Yo. I'm bored and lonely and really bummed.

I'm also feeling generally unwanted. Whenever I try to talk to someone, the person I'm trying to talk to makes an excuse and leaves. Ari-chan's been doing that quite a bit lately. When she's on, that is. Even Nanaki has started on it. Earlier today, she signed on. I say "Yo" cuz I'm wondering why she's on. It turns out she was on "because she wanted to see if Josh was on. Which translates in my mind to " I only really wanted to talk to HIM and the fact that you're on doesn't really matter to me." Then, later today, I go for dinner. When I get back, Nanaki's on. We barely get past "Yo" When she leaves to do homework. I understand ppl have homework but I didn't even get a "bai"

The only one at university I could REALLY call a good friend is Drew. Officially, he's my guy, but I don' t know where I stand with him as far as my own emotions go. Yeah, he's a good friend, and it's fun hanging out with him and such, but I feel so empty most of the time I'm not sure I'd even recognise love if I felt it. It's like there's a thick wall around me and I can only see people through the windows. Cliché maybe, but I don't care.

I've heard time and again that I 'push people away' to keep them from hurting me, but coming from a gradeschool environment where all anyone ever DID was try to make my life generally miserable if not a living nightmare, it was only natural to me. Don't get me wrong, I've opened up a lot since then, mostly because of my Theatre Group, if you ask me. I remember the last play I was in with the group before I left... the director said she was proud of how much I'd grown in the five years I'd been in the group up till then. One thing that I know makes me happy is being onstage, and I can't even do that for at LEAST another year. It's been two years since I last set foot onstage, and GAWD I miss it. I mean, I've helped out with the productions as makeup lady, but it just isn't the same.

Trill-chan pesters me incessantly, going all bummed on me because I'm trying to study for my finals which start next monday. Still, I get messages on how she's SO lonely and I'm the only one who ever talks to her and her life is shit and now even I won't talk to her. I'm sorry, but exams are serious. It involves countless nights of studying your ass off. I will NOT feel sorry for you and stop studying because someone is acting all bummed and depressed on me... and I take it back. I'm NOT sorry. I don't care ONE bit.

Isn't that me in a nutshell. I don't care.

Supplemental:

Nanaki's gone again, and talking to her has done NOTHING to my mood. She came on. We made small talk for a bit.. I sent her a file she sent me then lost, and then she left again. I told her I was feeling empty and bummed and unwanted and I got an "Oh dear." and that was it. Why is it that whenever a friend of mine is bummed I'm the one to be all supportive and make with the ego-stroking and such, but whenever I'm bummed, I have no one to do the same for me?! Life sucks